Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
DOOO EEEET
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”