Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
dads on road-trips be like
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?