“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
i choose….tongue