i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
You learn something every day
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.