[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
$4 #usedbooks
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche