[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My dad teaching me to drive
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
British websites use biscuits.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.