Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit