barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
For the orator and chef in all of us
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!