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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.