Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’ve had worse