the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Mountain Goat : )
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Said the murderer.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.