I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
reduce, reuse, recycle
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT