Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing