Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby