I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
You Might Also Like
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court