5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken