Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I was just discussing this with my cat
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.