Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
my favorite genre of twitter
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Wait a second…
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.