FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I can’t wait!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.