*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.