I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school