Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Tell the colonel to bring it
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?