me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Flowers bee like
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me