Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
You Might Also Like
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce