Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat