“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Finally
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees