Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Guys, I found it.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”