If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.