Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I am patiently waiting for your email
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
sin harder.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest