Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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Yep.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
This is a true ally.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own