The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father