*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.