[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out鈥攂ut when you get to the bathroom it鈥檚 just you and your choices
yeah i鈥檇 have thought so, he鈥檚 a cat
Brain: Don鈥檛 make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can鈥檛 accidentally touch your face.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there鈥檚 no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My kid鈥檚 favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
#If #I鈥檓 #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
That earthquake could have been an email.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If y鈥檃ll ever see me in designer…just know it鈥檚 fake or I stole it