Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
You Might Also Like
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
There are usually two types of merchants.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
called in thicc to work this morning
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.