Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
this is how life feels
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
quarantine day 3
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!