ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You Might Also Like
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Just as the prophecy foretold
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
oh my god
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me