Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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