the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.