[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me if I was a dog
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone