I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Worth the read.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.