[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life