there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.