last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.