I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
This dude got his own movie?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You know…for fall…
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods