Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Do not levitate over flowers
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…