[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark