Holy moly
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still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.