My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You Might Also Like
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’m crying im so happy for them
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again