Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
it must be school picture day
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.