How do you milk an almond?
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t